Just Say “Yes”
Five more days and I will be celebrating my third month with Erick. My relationship with Erick has been mostly “ups” and very, very few “downs”.
I was surprised to experience a straight up relationship with Erick, unlike in my past relationships, there were several emotional and intellectual challenges and obstacles I have to overcome before I can freely feel that I am happy and satisfied with the relationship.
More than three years of being single, more than three years of going through life and experiencing every joy, pain and agony of reality, it created a mindset I unconsciously use each and every time I meet a new guy; that there are only three things every guy want and experience when they go out on a date; a good fuck, an endless screening to add their long list of friends, or a hit and run accident and finally date “the one” (of course, at the end of the day, you only have 5% chance to hit a perfect score when you’re in a date with the guy you consider as “the one”, and end up – you going in bed alone hoping and for a message from him the whole night until the next day, you’ll be probably get a forwarded message if you’re lucky, but most of the time, none.)
For almost three months, I have experienced happiness and if I can freely use the word “contentment”, I am, with Erick.
I can’t really understand what I’m going through, after overcoming all the obstacles and challenges I have to go through, not while in the relationship, but on my way before I finally got in the relationship; I still can’t fully admit to him that we are already committed, that we are in a monogamous relationship, or in simpler terms; I can’t say “yes” in front of his face, even if, I think, there’s nothing stopping me.
Last June 27, when I attended the White Party in Malate with my friends and Erick, I unconsciously blurted in front of Erick that I love him. I felt like everything suddenly stopped, I didn’t know what I heard or what entered my mind that time and I said that to him.
It’s not that I don’t love him, I felt like it’s not the right time and place to say such thing, I could have said it to him on many different occasions, but I unconsciously chose that night and said it. But is the saying true, “When you truly love someone, you will not choose a moment or place to let that person know and feel how much you love him?” I guess it is.
Don’t get things wrong, I like Erick, and I must admit, I’m starting to fall in-love with him, but every time our conversations lean towards the end of courting and the start of the actual relationship, I can’t simply say “yes”, even if I want to.
In matters of relationships, have the rules and the steps in entering and keeping a relationship changed as time goes by? Is it a must to say to the person you are sharing your life with that you want to go steady with him, that you love him, or your actions will speak louder than those words and it will do more than enough for the two of you? Why can’t we just say “yes” if we really want something?
Hayden-Cam
Hayden Kho’s collection of sex scandals was not the first to hit the Philippine public, after being overly sensationalized by the media, senate and by everyone who have mobile phones with video playback capability, let’s look back to the first episode of private videos being made public. The best way to start every list is with a very disturbing sound, an audio tape sex scandal. The long list of sex scandals began with President Ferdinand Marcos’.
1970’s in the heat of the First Quarter Storm, the Philippines was scandalized when a tape was played in the university station of UP Diliman.
It was President Marcos. He was singing an Ilocano love song to American actress Dovie Beams while they were making love. Beams hid a tape recorder under a bed while making love to the President and later revealed the recording to the public as a “protection” since there were many threats to her life.
Writer Sterling Seagrave on the broadcasting of tapes said, “Student protesters at the University of the Philippines commandeered the campus radio station and broadcast a looped tape; soon the entire nation was listening in astonishment to President Marcos begging Dovie Beams to perform oral sex. For over a week the President’s hoarse injunctions boomed out over university loudspeakers.”
1980’s had its own share of scandals when a Betamax tape made public and have been reproduced. It was a recording of sexy actress Vivian Velez and a well-known politician in the North, Fariñas’ sexual act. But the video did not spread as there were lack of proper medium to carry it, like the internet or the cheap vcd’s and dvd’s.
In 2001, in an interview with Velez, she said that she has move on with the issue already, “I just put my chin up and say it can happen to a lot of people.”
1990’s, the whole Philippines was scandalized when a series of videos of talent manager Jojo Veloso made public. He was fondling and playing with the private parts of his talents. One very well-known talent of Veloso that was victimized by the scandal was Hans Montenegro.
There been senate hearings about the scandal. And it was entertainment journalist Joubert Sucaldito who exposed the whole hanky-panky of Veloso.
Like the 1980’s there still weren’t enough technology to pass, recopy and send files, and so Velos’s video remined in the vaults of authorities.
Come year 2000, file sharing have improved, the internet have been very accessible to everyone and the birth of mobile phones with video playback capabilities gave a whole new meaning to sex scandals.
There have been tens and tens of sex scandals that made public; one of it was from a popular sexy actress Criselda Volks. The video were showing Volks having sex with an older man. It made a whole new different noise as everyone can check out the video and use it as an entertainment between their friends.
Volks later admitted the she was in the verge of committing suicide after the video made public. It was like an outbreak, everyone had a copy of her video, whether in their mobile phones; download it somewhere in the internet or in a USB drive.
Hayden Kho’s sex scandals quickly emerged to everyone’s hands as the improvement of technology; the videos were quickly shared, through Bluetooth and USB drive. 
Like any other sex scandals that surfaced before, Kho’s numerous sex scandals with different popular women will be soon forgotten. It maybe the headline of the week, the story of the month but it will soon die, when different news emerged in the media. The story of sex scandals will again come if there will be an outbreak of series of sex scandals by another prominent personality.
Photos courtesy: TV Patrol World, ABS-CBN
Euphoria
“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5…” The Curator counted back as I slowly walked around his living room trying to catch my breath after rushing to Makati from work. “4, 3…” I walked towards him, now standing very close to him. “…2, 1” We’re both standing in front of each other, face to face, butterflies running wild in my stomach, he smiled, “I’m going to kiss you now Patrick.”
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It was around ten in the evening, when I arrived at the Curator’s apartment. I was a bit exhausted, after spending minutes and minutes trying to find his place.
I spotted the Curator waiting at the corner of his street, wearing an Abercrombie-style short, a polo shirt and a baseball cap. As memory serves me, it was the first time I saw him wearing something so casual and yet he looks so cute, I just want to grab him and squeeze him.
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When you want something so bad and do everything so hard just to get it and you finally did, what will you do next?
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“Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick.” He repeated my name over and over while holding me. “The whole day, your name keeps flashing in my head…, was thinking of you.”
He was lying on one of the two sofas in his apartment, the one sitting next to the window, the whole place were humbly lit coming from the half-open door of his room. Everything is so quiet, puffing and blowing of our cigarettes ruled the atmosphere.
I sat beside him on the sofa and placed my arms on his chest. I looked at him; he smiled while playing with my arms. It’s that smile of his I couldn’t get out of my head. A naughty and yet sweet, like a child trapped in a 34-year old body.
We talked and we talked, and we kissed and we kissed. There was nothing sexual about the whole conversation and the kissing, it was all good actually.
“We don’t really need to have sex or feel obligated to perform just to please each other. Intimacy. Intimacy, Patrick, that’s what we’re here for.” He pulled me closer to him and hugged and kissed me.
I must admit, I was drowning in euphoria that night, most of the things that have had happened were still floating up until now. The way I held his hand, the way he guided mo to sit on top of me, the way we kissed; so gentle, so soft, so wanting and yet not sexually, but intimate.
Hours passed. We transferred to his room.
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How will you know if the person lying next to you or the person you are kissing at the moment, the person you really like is “the one”? There’s not one single reference materials you can borrow in the library and verify your answer just like what we used to do back in college to answer the question, “Is he the one?”, just our heart.
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I didn’t get to sleep that night; I was half awake the whole time. And just before the sun, just before the alarm in his phone beep, he slowly pulled me closer to him, placed his right arm around my neck, while his left arm around me, and laid his head on my shoulder.
We cuddled, and cuddled.
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“Intimacy is (always) better than anything (and everything).”
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And Then We Kiss…
It was February 2, around 2:20 in the morning, when I received an SMS from Matthew, asking if we can still meet.
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His name is Matthew. I dated him back in 2007. He’s an I.T. Specialist, who naturally spends more time at work than to himself or to his social life.
We met in the chatroom. He went to my place for a simple one-night only thing. And so we did. And after having sex for several minutes, he stayed to talk, something unusual for a one-night stand. We ended the night with a hug and a really memorable kiss, and the promised we will meet again.
It took him several weeks to contact me again.
I was with my group mates one night, still back in college, shooting a short film for a school project, when I received an SMS from him. He asked me if I want to meet, and I replied “Yes” to him.
After that night, we continued exchanging messages while flirting to each other. By that time, I knew to myself that I was madly in-love with him.
I discovered that he’s a Thespian. He is a member of a choir group, and been with the CCP umbrella for several years. He’s an artist, a classical artist. He loves opera. And he’s been single for a long time.
We continued to exchange messages for weeks and weeks, but we don’t meet, because of his work schedule and my wanting to finish college as fast as I could.
Along with our exchange of messages and the seldom calls, I realized that we’re both not ready to enter a relationship that time and what’s been happing between us is just an electric shock to remind us the reality of things, that it’s not easy being in a relationship.
We reached the point that we became really good friends, good friends who have good sex with each other. From then on, it seemed like we signed and unwritten contract, that we’ll meet at least every 2 or 3 months, to catch up or do anything. The set-up has been like that since then.
Until he moved to Singapore…
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I was out with Jeff, Nicole and Bernard that morning, walking around, killing time. I replied to his message, “Sure. What time will you be here?”
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One of the reasons why I went to KL last January 1st was to meet Matthew halfway.
The last time I was in KL was October last year, we’re supposed to meet in Singapore but I was too busy helping my brother with his errands, and so it got cancelled.
Last December, Matthew was supposed to visit Manila to spend his Christmas here and to finally make-up for the “lost” chance we had last October, again, it was cancelled because of his work.
I spent the whole first week of January in KL, waiting for Matthew to come to KL, like what we agreed before the New Year. But as the first weekend of the year approached, he sent me an SMS saying that he was checked-in the hospital because of some infection
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I was really frustrated. It seemed like every time we plan a meet-up, something will come up and so we’ll have to cancel our meeting again and again.
I managed to control myself and replied, “Oh, too bad, I was looking forward to spend time with you. Take care.” He replied quickly with, “Baby, I’ll be in Manila by end of January. I will definitely meet you no matter what happen.”
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Around 2:40 in the morning, he sent a message saying that he’s already outside my house waiting.
I was still with Jeff walking our way back to my house. I started to panic. This is like a wild card moment for the two of us. We planned to go out and have coffee somewhere to catch up that night.
Jeff and I arrived in front my house 2:42AM.
He was standing outside his car with his arms fold.
“Is it you?,” I asked. He smiled and walked towards my direction and gave me a big hug and then he kissed me. And he said, “Nice haircut, I really like it.”
Jeff went inside of the house to get his stuff and left.
I asked Matthew to go inside my house first to wait for me, because I still need to change.
We entered my room, he sat on my bed, the way he acted – it seemed like he’s very comfortable and familiar with my room. While I was going through my closet, looking for a nice shirt to wear for our coffee date, he asked me to sit beside him on the bed. So I did.
He pulled me closer to him and hugged me. “How are you?” he asked. “It hasn’t been that nice these past weeks, ‘because it seemed like the universe has been playing with us. Three of our scheduled meetings got cancelled because of silly reasons. But you can’t paint the happiness I feel now.” I smiled.
“I’m going to kiss you now Matthew, can’t help it.” I said. Matthew smiled and answered, “Okay.”
I leaned forward and kissed him.
***
We had sex for more than an hour and a half. It was exquisite. It was euphoric. Like nothing I’ve felt before.
We showered together after.
***
We continued to catch up with each other after we showered.
I discovered that he knows The Curator. He dated him back in 2003. Matthew warned me to be careful with him, because everything The Curator does is just knee-jerk.
Our conversation seemed like forever. And when we checked the time, it was already 5 in the morning. He fixed himself and I lead him down to the gate.
Before he went back to his car, he hugged me really tight and gave me a kiss, a kiss that I can still feel.
He started the engine and left. I closed the gate and went back to my room.
The next day, he went back to Singapore.
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I have to admit, I’m still in-love with Matthew, but to a different level now. If before, I was attracted to him physically and emotionally, now, I’m attracted to him intellectually along with the other two factors. It’s a deeper level now. And no more expectations this time.
It’s like we both signed another unwritten contract, that let us feel what we’re suppose to feel when the other is around, and feel what we’re suppose to feel when the other is not around. My very own Brokeback Mountain story. And I’m sure it’s not just because of my new haircut, but something more profound.
It’s the kind of love that can make you smile, that can make you think. It’s an unusual kind of love most people don’t want and refuses to feel. But it’s something euphoric, something to complete your day after a harsh day from work, before you close your eyes, and when you wake-up the next day. It’s not like a long distance kind of love. Something more profound. Something only the people in the kind of relationship understands.
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Alingawngaw
Araw-araw ay nakakarinig tayo ng iba’t-ibang tawag:
Tawag ng inang bayan, para sa mga pulitiko.
Tawag ng Diyos, para sa mga pari, mga madre at mga deboto ng simbahan.
Tawag ng konsensya para sa mga kurakot at magnanakaw.
Tawag ng ina sa mga anak nito at sa mga anak niyang napariwara.
At tawag ng laman, ang walang humpay na naririnig ko.
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Protocol 101
The Curator Part 2.
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Protocol is the customs and regulations dealing with diplomatic formality, precedence, and etiquette. It’s a mandatory thing you have to learn and do every time you come across or approach someone who has the same stature as The Queen or The President.
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Just a day later, after I flew back from KL, I got a heads-up from work that I will be working with The Curator again. I received his number, and my Boss, persistently reminded me to bug The Curator for his script.
It was a move I’m so afraid to make. The past came flashing through my head, from the very first time I saw him to the last time we exchanged messages. It was a mixture of dread, excitement and hope. I didn’t know if sending him a message, work-related or no, a good idea or what. But I have to do it.
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Then the day came. He went to the office to finish his script and prepare for the show.
I’m not sure if I’m sedated the whole time I was with him or I just kept on making an excuse just to be close to him. It was ecstatic.
The Curator flashed several signs. I caught most of it but up until now I still haven’t deciphered what he meant, again, I received mixed-messages.
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I couldn’t help but wonder (again), am I willing to jump back to the old days wherein I hope and wait for something I really want to happen even after learning the great deal of odds I have to surpass to accomplish them?
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After the show, I wanted so bad to ask The Curator out; to catch up on things since our last conversation months and months’ back, to flirt with him a little more, and something more, maybe. But I crippled.
I went to the garden of our office and lighted my 8th cigarette for the day. A great part of me wanted to go back to the studio and catch him before he leaves the office, but part of me begs to hold on still where I was standing.
And then, I received a call from The Curator.
….
“Where are you? I have been going around the office looking for you… I just left your office… I’m on my way now to meet your boss for a dinner.”
I wanted to die as his words slowly entered my system. It could have been… It might have been… Then he said:
“Patrick, take good care of yourself. Just call me anytime for anything…”
After hearing him say those words, I slowly got myself back to reality. I flirted back saying, “Seriously, for anything?” He answered, “Yeah”, with a naughty laugh.
….
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I had a choice that night, I could have went back to the studio and face reality with The Curator without any distractions and enjoy his company, but I chose to stay away.
Was I wrong in making that choice, or am I just playing everything safe knowing what consequences I will have to face after making a move?
I still have one more choice to make for - The Curator; I can call him and updated him about the status of his talent fee and continue the flirting with him, or I can just let our HR department do the legwork for everything.
e-mail: patrick.king.pascual@gmail.com
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Hustler
We’ve reached the end of the year and the beginning of another.
After finishing a full year of success stories, fulfilled dreams and hopes, established a strong foundation with our friends, mastering the things we’ve committed errors on the previous year, and of course; heartbreaks, more hopes that lead to nothing, more education and experience on different dilemmas in the health section. Overall, it was a fat-full year of events that made us hustlers.
Hustler at work.
Hustler in bed.
Hustler in partying.
Hustler in writing.
Hustler in editing and producing stuff.
Hustler in drinking.
Hustler in giving head.
Hustler in giving advice to our friends.
Hustler in everything.
I should know. I spent half of my 2008, mixing and practicing all those above. After a hard 12 hours in the office, I will go home to change and drop my things, and then go out again, to meet my friends for a drink, and who knows what else, after which, I will go home to sleep for a couple of hours and then rush back to work. This has been my routine for sometime last year.
It was an exhausting year. I produced more programs compared to what I have accomplished the previous year. I met and had sex with more men as I have in 2007, while hoping to meet “the one” every time I took off my clothes and lie in bed with someone. It was exhausting but fun.
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If the Chinese belief is true, that whatever you do on the first day of the year will be the pattern of your routine for the whole year; then we wouldn’t have any problems and more questions as we walked along the days and months of last year trying to figure out what’s wrong.
I started my last year, as perfectly patterned as my freshly ironed white buttoned down shirt. But I felt overtly exhausted last year, hoping to finally meet “the one” (don’t we always do this every start of a new year?) but I failed to, and so, I spent my 101% of my time in work, leaving the other column blank and hanging, as I fast-pace succeeded in my work, I was recognised for this, as one of the hard-working employee.
This year, as the clock turns for 2009, we flew out of Manila to go to Kuala Lumpur, to spend 7 days with Val – to enjoy the city before having a long break with KL, before Val moves to France on the 9th.
And, I, on the other hand, up for another rollercoaster vacation ride; to meet my old flings here in KL, to shop at Plaza Low Yat more gadgets that I will be using for 2009, and to spend more time with Val. And I’m packed with new high hopes I want to accomplish as the year progress, work-wise and relationship-wise, and to finally answer the question, “Can we have it all?”
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