Suspension of Disbelief

May 24, 2006

——————

A lot of things changed and still changing, my view on summer flings kept on changing as days passes by. Not too long ago, I met the chatroom, meeting new people and having sex with random strangers, a one-time situation, and no communication after. But after getting used to the routine, I started to question myself, is it normal for us to fall in-love with our summer flings and to the very least of it, expect that there’s a light at the end of the dark hallway of one-night stands?

Bien went to Singapore last April 13th and he’s not (yet) back. It’s been hard for me to keep myself much preoccupied, not to think about sex like what I’m used to doing.

When its summer, unconsciously, you want to do a lot of things, things that you don’t usually get to do in other seasons like; going to the beach, learning a new sport and the indelible heat we all want to release every time.

I tried to distract myself from doing things that I might regret afterwards; so I signed up to a swimming lesson somewhere near my university and I just finished learning how to play Badminton, but this two activities I signed up for, failed to alleviate my wanting to do something else.

A week and a half after Bien left for Singapore, Jed and I went to this Mariah party in Club Government. We enjoyed the night, we enjoyed the music, but like any other events in Club Government, the party (only) lasted until 2am. Jed and I didn’t spend the night together.

When Bed celebrated its 3rd anniversary, Jed was once again my date; we went out with his friend and some of mine.

*****

I lost track of the exact number of dates and sex partners I had while my boyfriend is away.

Christian, a 5’10 guy, muscle built and really endowed – about 7 inches long and 4-5 girth. I met him when my boyfriend went on a business trip somewhere in the Visayas region. We had sex and I really enjoyed him, his dick actually. Christian kept on planning for a second meet up but I couldn’t confirm to any of it because of my cramped schedule.

After several days of planning the second meet-up that never happen, I decided to log in again to mIrc. I logged in to the familiar sex channels and advertised my stats and profile site.

Questions kept on repeating over and over my head that I refuse to answer (I guess), why am I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this to my boyfriend? Am I’m doing this for the sake of having an airbag, so just in case that I discover my boyfriend is cheating on me, while he’s in Singapore, things wouldn’t feel that bad for me? Or am I someone who isn’t the monogamous type?

*****

After having a few numbers of one-time only guys, I met this guy, JB. I don’t know what those two letters stand for, all I know is – he is really gifted! We met 3 times, but we only had sex once, I didn’t feel bad that it only happened one because he’s a bad top.

In one of our meet-ups, I discovered a lot of things about JB, I was secretly hoping that he might be a boyfriend material, but it turns out, he’s not! His ex is a performer in Amazing Philippines, but not the effeminate type (is it really possible?). He’s a member of the Philippine Team of badminton. And, he’s starting to fall for me.

Something inside tells me not to pursue this, and so I stopped seeing him.

*****

My communication with my boyfriend who’s in Singapore turns sour every single day. I’m starting to feel that it was his way of saying that I should not wait for him and that I should go on with my life. It was a big FUCK OFF! And I can’t fight for the relationship; we’re islands away from each other.

And then, I met Johan, in the chatroom, he lives and works in Bangkok, and he’s here in Manila to visit his family and to spend his summer. And everything changed.

——————

May 24, 2006

October 7, 2003

———-
It’s been three weeks since the chat room and I were introduced. Suddenly, it made me think, are we; the chatters, perverts or we’re just sexually challenged?

After dismissing the thought of going serious with Alvin, I made my way back to the world of the chat room, I logged in.

I met Jay. He’s 30 years old, about 5’9. He looks good. He works in a computer company and he’s up for a promotion sometime soon. We talked about a lot of things; the things I like doing, the things we might have in common, etc. Most of our conversation evolves in the questions you normally see in a high school slam book.

I enjoyed our chat even if he didn’t initiate a meet-up that night. After two hours or so, he said that he needed to sign out so he can take a rest for his 8AM the next day. I simply replied, ok.

He asked for my number and said goodbye.

Two days passed, still, no message from Jay.

Third day came, he called me. I asked if he wants to go to my place and he said that he couldn’t, he’s at the gym. He then asked for my age and I told him that I’m only seventeen. I could tell by his silence when he heard my answer that he was shocked to know that I’m that young, he thought that I’m already twenty-one.

I never lie about my age in the chat room. Most chatters, I think, prefer younger guys. I told Jay to think hard first before making any decisions or before he go to my place to have sex with me.

He never called back. I don’t know if I felt lonely or anything that time, the only thing I knew was, it did not felt good. It was like expecting something grand to happen with a guy that I barely knew, that I really like, and it didn’t happen.

Was our grandparents’ right that if you plan something so much ahead of time, that thing will most likely fail to happen? Or I’m just expecting too much to a person I only conversed twice? That night I said to myself, I’m going to have him as my lover. I know I sound desperate, and I didn’t care.

Chatters are powerful. They can lead you on and leave you hanging. They can give you so much pain, to a point that you will yearn for it and go back for more. Chatters are not perverts, sexually challenged maybe. But they don’t consider sex as love.

Sex is like a game for the chatters. The more people you have sex with, the stronger your foundation in the chat room become and the more popular you will be in the world of mIRC.

.

—–

October 7, 2003

September 23, 2003

———-
Just got back from Singapore and everything has been more confusing. I heard a lot of rumors that something is going on between KC and this Puerto Rican girl, nothing’s official yet, and for me, I felt really hurt. This bisexual guy made me wait and claimed that he’s afraid that other people would judge him if he continues to have a “relationship” with me.

***

I saw J walking along the corridors of the University I’m attending, I was surprised. J is the perfect guy, at that time I guess, nice eyes, nice lips, nice arms, and nice hands. What more can you ask? Yeah, he’s good in bed. He’s been my fuck buddy since my junior life, we meet and like a routine; we already know what to do…

It’s been really long since our last “adventure”, the more I think of it; the more I’m starting to long for him again. It’s been two years since I felt this “thing” with him.

And last year, I said to myself that I would never ever give in (again) to his flirting, but I ate my own words, I called him.

That night after my classes ended, I dialed his number. He answered and I asked if he’s doing anything that night, he answered, “Want to drop by and play?” I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say.

It was Halloween of 2002. I messaged my friends and told them that I won’t be able to join them in the party. I went to his house and everything was like high school again. I thought it would the last time, like a closure, but I was wrong.

May of this year, I received a message from J saying: “Hi! How are you?” It tool several minutes before I replied to his message. I wondered, how did he get my number, and is this for real, he’s (once again) back to leave me hanging again?

I gave him my landline number, he called and we talked dirty. After we said our good-bye’s to each other, I told myself that it looks like this would be the last time..

***

Four days after, I met the chat room, also known as mIRC.
 
I frequently enter these two particular channels; where all the chatters are straight acting gays and bisexuals. Everything you want in bed or in a friend or for anything – are all just a click away.

If you’re looking for a relationship, there are guys in those two channels looking for a relationship. If you want to have a quick casual sex or an orgy there are a lot of guys in the chat room who frequent those two channels looking for the same.

Just click his nickname, exchange personal information and photos, and if both of you like each other,  agree for a meet-up. That easy!

Cyber sex is different. Cyber sex is silly. Sex eyeball is the new trend; it gives a new meaning to one-night relationships.

I met Alvin, a student from La Salle, in the chat room. He dons a Rico Blanco look with braces, he’s 5’8 about 145lbs, we both agreed that he’ll go to my place and have sex. After several minutes, he left and promised to message me.

.

—–

September 23, 2003

May 20, 2003

———-
Does sex justify anything? You can’t say that if you love someone you’re willing to give everything you have. What if you’re sexually incompetent? It’s not nice to be with someone who is unable to perform well in bed.

I don’t believe in the saying, “If you love someone, you’ll accept what he really is, or in this case, how (bad) he performs in bed.”

I know someone who tells everyone that he loves his fiancée so much, but the truth is he spends most of his nights in bed with another; a woman who is more experienced in bed.

Sex is not love. It’s a big problem. You wouldn’t want to commit to someone who only knows how to give good head, or someone who can do different positions.

Finding “the one” can be tacky. You can’t just run around the Metro and date and have sex with everyone you meet. When he’s “the one” you’ll know it, hopefully, he’s not bad in bed.

What about casual sex? And one-night stands? People do this stuff to get a certain satisfaction that they don’t usually get in their partners. You can’t define it as love. It’s ridiculous. It happened to me; that’s when I met J.

He asked me if I could give him head. Hell, he’s been my crush for the longest, so why not? We did it a couple of times, but I didn’t get what I’m waiting for. I don’t think he’s such a good fuck buddy after all.

He ended our fling. He told me that he’s not available anymore and he is involved with someone. What a jerk. But isn’t it my fault? I expected something that I know is impossible.

If you’re getting into casual relationships wherein you only talk when you’re horny, don’t expect love coming out of it. And if it happens to you, keep it – it’s one in a million.

Sex justifies our personality, it can define our individuality. We can express ourselves through sex; it shows how you can communicate to a person (or two), in bed. You’re in a different world when you’re doing it. You don’t need to speak to communicate, it will rot the moment otherwise, and it’s all body language.

There are people who go for casual sex but get their strings tied. That is not casual sex that is black male – a person agrees to have sex with someone because he wanted to do it without getting himself tied. And if you let yourself get tied – that’s bullshit!

It doesn’t matter what you do in bed, it’s your intimate self, as long as it’s safe and you make your partner happy and satisfied – it’s okay. It’s an escape from reality.

.

—–

May 20, 2003

March 29, 2009

———-

peter: long time no see
can we get together?: i know,
can we get together?: how are you peter?
peter: doing ok – good to see you again – thought maybe you had lost interest
can we get together?: no, i will never lose interest
peter: still feel to tie me up?
can we get together?: yeah
can we get together?: when are u coming o the phil?
peter: finances are getting tight here so i might have to delay – though it would be such a thrill
can we get together?: might have to delay? so not summer in the philippines?
peter: maybe not – not sure …..
peter: the urge to be tied comes and goes – it varies with levels or horniness i think
can we get together?: it all depends on one’s mindset at any given time
can we get together?: ur right it depends on one’s horniness
peter: like sometimes i really want it really bad – i notice i seem to feel better when i want it – but then other times i think it is just crazy
can we get together?: its always like that when it comes to fetishes
peter: sometimes when the mindset isnt right its even hard to make it come back – its confusing
can we get together?: again it all depends on ur mindset at the moment, you can have the same mindset for a really long time and you can – not have the mindset for a really long time too….
can we get together?: everything is fetish driven: the way you thing, the way you speak, the way you act
peter: it is a very good feeling when it happens even though i guess it is more dangerous
can we get together?: its dangerous but it will not be if you both agreed the limitations before you do it
peter: it seems to feel better when i can go far – but i think that is driven by horniness
peter: think it will come back stronger with time?
can we get together?: yes horniness and ur mindset
can we get together?: if you haven’t performed it, it will grew stronger in time
peter: dont know why a higher danger level seems to feel better – it seems contradictory
can we get together?: its ironic is it
peter: do you like higher danger level better to or do you like it when the other guy faces a higher danger level?
can we get together?: i like experiencing both
peter: for a while it was very strong – almost challenging my existence
peter: guess you are busy
can we get together?: no just watching dvd
peter: though when i was challenging my existance it did feel a bit weird
peter: hmmm
can we get together?: how can it feel weird when you know its only in your head?
peter: well part of me felt like actually challenging my existance though i guess my head was trying to keep it in line
can we get together?: challenging ur existence because of what your head built, danger, but if you will control what you will do when you’re actually on it, it would be a big factor to everything, everything is just in the ehad
peter: yeah i guess the head kindof is in charge of how far i will go
peter: you like if guys are tempted to go far?
peter: still there?
can we get together?: the mind is always in control of everything
can we get together?: i like guys who are open in going far
peter: so if i go too far it is because of my mind?
can we get together?: yes because of the mind
peter: i guess too far would be kindof like suicide then only different cause of the horny part
can we get together?: kinda like suicide but not really
peter: i guess triggered more by horniness than depression
can we get together?: depression is out of the question
peter: so if guys do it  – it is because they decided to go that far?
can we get together?: of course
peter: kindof huge – trading a good horny feeling for ones life
can we get together?: its the perfect way to go
peter: but then everything stops
peter: bad part is that it is not reversible
can we get together?: its the conditions u will have to make before you do it
peter: i guess decide beforehand one way or the other
can we get together?: yes
peter: probably it is very rare that guys decide go that far
can we get together?: because it is very dangerous
peter: if a guy goes that far and two guys are doing it – what happens – does the other guy just leave?
can we get together?: yes
can we get together?: and the other will definitely panic
peter: probably worried he would somehow be related to the death
can we get together?: uhmm
peter: u like if guys are open to go that far?
can we get together?: i’m open to guys who like going far, but i honestly wouldn’t do it
peter: so more into watching a guy do it than it doing it oneself
can we get together?: yes
peter: if you were watching i guess it is like watching a guy go from one state into another
can we get together?: yes
can we get together?: suspending his current consciousness to move on to the next
can we get together?: for the sake of pleasure
peter: at times it seems tempting but i would be very scared to go that far
can we get together?: then don’t go that far
peter: i know sometimes one thinks there would be a heightening of pleasure
can we get together?: heightening of please but not to a crazy level
peter: i guess you might like to watch the change but then it is up to the guy
can we get together?: yes
peter: i suppose the guy is hoping he will cum before the transition happens
can we get together?: or during the transition
peter: so you would like to watch it but i guess the decision would be up to me
peter: ?
can we get together?: the decision is urs
peter: you would watch me go through transition and then leave?
can we get together?: of course i will not leave you
can we get together?: i’m not crazy
peter: but it is weird cause at that point i would be dead
can we get together?: you will not be dead
can we get together?: just halfway through
peter: depends if i can be revived
can we get together?: we will not get into that point
peter: or there might be brain damage already or something
can we get together?: no damage to anywhere
peter: hehe i get tempted to risk my life when i see the pics at your site – you are truly very hot
peter: ?
can we get together?: will limit everything just not to be dangerous
peter: you have heard of guys that go through transition?
can we get together?: i experienced it once
peter: saw a guy die?
can we get together?: me halfway through transition
peter: the guy helped to revive you?
can we get together?: after a couple of minutes i woke up
peter: wow thats alot of trust on his part – how did he know that you would spontaneously wake up?
can we get together?: because we didn’t do it too much
peter: how did you feel ?
can we get together?: euphoric
peter: during the waking up part?
peter: euphoric – sortof like pain killer medication after work done on your teeth?
can we get together?: euphoria in everything
peter: but you probably dont feel anything while you are out
can we get together?: definitely none
can we get together?: peter i have to go to bed soon
can we get together?: its 2:30AM here
peter: you are very brave — that is so extreme to be out like that
can we get together?: i was out for more than 5 minutes
peter: i wonder if your friend started to panic
peter: hehe i would panic after 15 seconds i think
can we get together?: he did
peter: so he thought maybe you were dead?
can we get together?: yes
can we get together?: but i was still breathing just passed out
peter: i guess if i was not breathing then it would not be so good
can we get together?: yes
peter: so as long as im breathing there is hope – otherwise ive probably gone into transition
can we get together?: yes
peter: i guess one cant really tell till after pass out which way things will go
peter: ?
can we get together?: sorry im sleepy
peter: so basically when one goes into pass out one doesnt really know if one is coming back

.

—–

March 29, 2009

April 22, 2003

———-

How did you meet him?

Well, I’m waiting for my class to start and

doing nothing. He approached me and asked for porno.

Are you hysterical at that time?

Is Bush circumcised?

What do you care anyway?

What’s going through your mind when he approached you?

Sex, blowjob, handjob, porn, condoms………. HIM

What are the things that made you do it to him?

Love J .…. my urge.

Is there anything you need to do before everything?

If there weren’t candies, dentists wouldn’t

have a job at all.

What do you do after a scenario ended?

Nothing. I’ll fix myself and ask him what’s next. If there’s

any chance I can go round 2 I would, but if he’s

too tired I’ll try to have the feeling – I’m satisfied.

Are you not satisfied?

No, not in any way. He’s good even though there is one

thing he mentioned that he didn’t do or show while we’re doing it.

Are you still virgin when you had him?

No! Everyone knows it.

Who was your first? Is it necessary?

Do you love him? Huh? Ask me later.

How many times did you do it?

How many balls do you have?

What is your greatest frustration?

I blew my chance to lick his ass.        What do you mean?

I always dream of giving him my best.

In any case given, do you want to spend most of your life with him,

with all those things?

Is the Pope Catholic?

When will this end? I don’t know

Do you still have contact with each other?

At the moment, none.  I think, it ended when an issue about us leaked to his

friends. Everything went really wrong.

Do you still want him?

Who wouldn’t want to?

.

—–

April 22, 2003

November 12, 2002

———-

Men are sex objects. Women are too. But men
want to be admired especially by women.
Women are always horny than men. Maybe
for the reason women cannot cum when they
are having sex unless her partner is good
and I admire men ‘cause they fuck so good
and can even cum twice. Dicks
are more interesting than pussy. ‘Cause
dicks have different faces unlike pussy
it’s only a hole. What’s with a hole?

I wondered; when Adam unmanly ate the forbidden apple, was it his choice or was it an impulse? J may have chosen someone over me.

But why did he choose me that one slow afternoon? Was he really into me that time? Or am I the only one available at that time?

It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from J. My friend’s say he’s only giving time for the situation, he doesn’t want to overripe things, yet. Give time for what? It was a one time thing and it didn’t even finish – and he need’s time? I spent the whole week waiting for him.

I love frat guys.
I don’t know why..
They make me
soooo
…

 
—–

November 12, 2002

October 22, 2002

———-

After he closed the door of the toilet, he immediately unzipped his slacks and pulled down his boxers.

There it was, a gift from God, it was forbidden I know but the feeling was different. This is not the first time I did this. But he was different, someone special, I think. Everyone tried and tried to get him naked and I stood in the middle of the 4th floor toilet of the new building of our school while I watched him strip.

I held his pulsating manhood and massaged it slowly. He tried to kiss me but I moved my head to the other side, he kissed me on my cheek. He insisted that he should kiss my lips, but something in me didn’t want him to.

After several attempts, he stopped reaching for my lips. I knelt in front of him and licked the tip of his manhood, it tasted so good or maybe it was just my imagination – like he was the ideal guy. He pulled me up.

“You should lick my nipples first,” J said. I was a bit shocked; he wanted a step-by-step type of making out. I licked it one-by-one, I gave it a little bite and he moaned.

After playing with his red nipples I went down to his tummy to his belly button to his hard throbbing cherry head manhood. I licked its head, and sucked it all down to its root. It was fat, I almost gagged. I gave him head for three minutes, we almost forgot that we needed to go back to our class. He didn’t come.

We went back to our seats and pretended nothing happened. He wrote on a small paper and passed it to me, “It felt so good.. Wait for me after the class.” I looked at him and smiled.

I was furious, I wanted the class to end. After 10 long minutes, the class ended.

We went back to business; we stared all over again. I started removing my polo and khakis to get ready for something. But we were disturbed by sudden knock on the door. We didn’t know what to do; we fixed ourselves as fast as we could. J opened the door and he looked outside, no one’s there.

He asked me if by any chance I could come by his house that afternoon. I said my mom would pick me up and we’ll have dinner somewhere. “We can do it some other time, right?”, he said asked smiling. “Oh yeah.” He kissed me and he left..

As I walked down the stairs of our school, I got into thinking,should I said yes and joined him and created an excuse to my mother? Should I initiated to continue what we’re doing when we found out that no one’s knocking on the door? Or was it all wrong timing?

—–

October 22, 2002

February 17, 2009

———-

October 15, 2002

———-

Handsome guys and pretty girls are
hard to find. When you get the
chance to meet them you only get
the chance to fuck them. It’s not
about mutual understanding or if
you say – relationship thing. It’s so
hard to find someone who can
understand your true feelings. People
sometimes like you for your mouth
or maybe for your tight hole. They just
want your “ability” to give them pleasure
like no other person can do.
Sometimes it seems like he’s
hitting on you, yeah he’s hitting
you from behind. And of course there’s,
“I’ll take you to dinner.” And there’s,
“I love you, this won’t hurt a bit.”

It was the most unexpected moment of the day when a tall and sinfully cute guy approached me. I’ve known him since first year. His name is “J”; he’s 19 years old, half Filipino and half Spanish.

That day, I got to talk to him, it was the first time we exchanged serious stuff. My friends know him very well, and they mingle with him as if they’re his friends.

He borrowed porn cd’s from me. I was known to have in school to have an almost a thousand pornographic cd collection. Luckily, I brought some pron cd’s with me that day, I reached for my bag and picked two different cd’s, I gave it to him. He took it and walked away.

We were waiting for our class to start, by the time our Professor entered the room, he took the seat beside me.

“J” asked about the story of the porn movie. I sort of ignored him; I was trying to listen to our professor. He stopped bugging me and sat there quiet.

After a couple of minutes, I faced him and asked, “Why are you so quiet?” He replied, “You told me to keep quiet. What could I do, I’m horny?” I was shocked when I heard his answer. I didn’t expect something like that from someone that I’m newly acquainted.

He leaned closer to me and whispered that he has hard-on and asked me to touch it. I said, “No, the professor might see us.” He ignored me and placed his sports bag on top his desks and grabbed my hand and placed it on top of his throbbing cock. I massaged it a little from the thin fabric of his slacks.

It was big, it was fat. I cannot hide it from him; I’m getting a hard-on too. He asked me, “Do you want to go out and catch up in the toilet?” That didn’t sound good, but I went out with him anyway.

When we were on already inside the toilet…

_____

October 15, 2002