Suspension of Disbelief

Archive for November 2008

Like A Flower

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There’s a hole in my heart

No one else can fill it

There’s a feeling I have

No one can replace

There’s a taste in my mouth

No one else can give me


There’s a strange melody

That sends me straight to heaven

There’s a voice in my head

No one else can hear


Why would I want them to

I’m still looking back at you

Why would I want them to be you?

No one can take your place

I’m still looking at your face

No one can take the place of you


You’ll always be a part of me

What you love can never let you go

You’ll always be inside of me

Like a flower you grow



Written by Patrick King Pascual

November 27, 2008 at 1:25 pm


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If Manila was designed perfectly, will everything be flawless?






Written by Patrick King Pascual

November 4, 2008 at 3:45 pm

Boy Toy

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Boy Toyrefers to a young boy or man in a relationship with an older woman or man, more prosperous person.


I was in Malate last night with Anton, Jeff and Koko were supposed to be in Malate last night but they ended up finishing a project together in Jeff’s house and they failed to send an SMS cancelling their confirmation of meeting us in Malate.


Rye, on the other hand, was also in Malate last night with his friends. They were in Penguin drinking and just chatting. I messaged him, asked him if he wanted to meet me. I asked him to go to the Courtyard and I’ll be outside waiting for him.


It was one of those nights, where I spent the whole evening just drinking, cruising and people watching. Anton was busy sending SMS with someone, he was a little preoccupied, I didn’t mind him. We entered Club Mafia hoping to see BG or Raymond or Myrrh or anyone we know dancing inside, but it turned no one went out last night.


After a couple of minutes of standing and dancing and drinking inside the club, Anton asked me to go outside with him and told me that he just needed to talk to someone. I didn’t ask any questions, as we stepped away from the courtyard, I saw Anton feeling restless, composing messages while walking around the stretch of Orosa St., then finally, just outside Fluid, was R, standing beside the cigarette vendor, wearing his usual black jacket and skinny jeans.


They talked for a few minutes, away from me. I was standing in front of Sonata drinking my beer, roaming my eyes around area, watching the gays alighting cabs or their cars and meeting their friends, and the ones who are just standing on key places of Orosa St. waiting for someone.


Then suddenly, Anton came up to me and said, “Let’s go back to Mafia, R is coming with us.” I didn’t have time to react. I was shocked.


Flashback: Anton and R spent more than six months in a relationship. It was almost an on and off thing. They met in O bar last New Year, and I think it was a shotgun relationship, it was instant. Anton introduced R to us, we thought he was great, he’s cute. And then there was the Galera trip with R. We all had a great time, Anton and R patched a lot of things there. And when we got back to Manila, a lot of things changed, Anton spends lesser and lesser time with us, with his friends, and most of his time was completely devoted to R.


We can’t blame him for that. I tried to make a move to inflict a problem in their relationship, but I failed, R ended up being really mad at me before (I don’t know now), and so our relationship with Anton became more and more distant, he just stays at home, alone and sometimes with R. And whenever he goes out, R is acting so immature, he’s going to send countless SMS to Anton, asking where he was, what he’s doing, and sometimes the last batch of his messages would end up interrogating him, and that’s really the deal breaker. Anton is practically tied in an immature relationship that is not open for any growth and improvement, he’s being pulled down (down to depression, to a non-amour state) by it. 


They broke-up a month back; Anton is trying his best to go back in the pool of single people, then news came, R is already with someone, in less than a month. (Any comments?) Anton, in a way is still in the verge of letting go R. After just two weeks of not being together, R sends messages to Anton continuously. Anton, on the other hand, is still thinking and deciding whether he’s going back to the “bad” experiences he was into or just let everything go. And then last night came…


As I turned my head back, seeing R walking behind Anton again, it was déjà vu, I didn’t know how to react. I went inside the club and went to the toilet and stayed there for 10 minutes. And when I went back to the dance floor, Anton tapped me and asked where I went. I just smiled at him. He said that R already left and he just talked to him. “Sorry, I’m still single,” Anton said with a big smile.

At around two in the morning, I received a message from Rye, saying that he’s already outside the club. I asked Anton to get Rye inside the club. When I saw him in the middle of the line leading to Mafia’s entrance, I couldn’t help but wonder, how bad is it to continue to date someone younger than you, someone who is still a student?


The three of us went back inside the club, and we danced and danced. The thought of me dancing with someone really close brought up a lot of questions, why did I think age matters when it comes to dating and relationships? Rye looked so cute and yet so young. I’m starting to fall for him. Anton liked him as well, really good sense of humor, and he can get along with Anton comfortably, so why am I still waiting for signs and still haven’t decided if I’m going to go on with Rye?


At around three in the morning, we transferred to O Bar. I lost count on how many bottles of beer I finished that night. Rye was touchier and he’s dancing really close to me this time. I was enjoying every moment of it. Anton was just standing in the corner, checking his mobile phone every now and then; he was restless and perspiring just like everyone inside the bar.  


As I continued to let myself go in the pumping of the repetitive music of O, I asked myself, “Is Rye’s age really my problem, or am I just pissed off that this cute guy has a tummy not proportion to his body, or both?” The universe has a really good sense of humor. 


Like any other night in O Bar, the place is over-crowded; we decided to go back to Club Mafia.


Half-passed four in the morning, Anton asked me if I wanted to go home already, Rye seemed like he’s still having fun, I asked Anton if we can leave at around five in the morning, he said he can’t. And so he kissed me goodbye, and he left the club like as if someone’s running after him.


Rye and I continued to dance.


A couple of minutes after, I started to crave for “Longsilog” for breakfast. We left the club and walked towards Nakpil St. hoping to grab a seat in Silya, but they were loaded. We took a cab and look for a restaurant that serves “Longislog”. While travelling along Taft Avenue, I received an SMS, “Just in.. A leavin’ Malate with R in a cab”


If I’m in a boy toy dating-relationship with Rye, and prosperity is never an issue between us, then I guess I’m just acting out my impulse emotions. But how can I be so sure that what I’m getting myself into is what I really want?


Since I’m the one older, I’m in control of almost everything, and Rye lets it to be that way, is it the dream relationship that every single gay in the Metro has been searching for, I’m the dominant in the dating-relationship?


Aside from his bouncy-tummy, I like everything about Rye; am I just finding a leeway to find a flaw and let him go, and look for someone who will be more dominant than I am, like my previous experiences/relationships?


If I’m in a boy toy dating-relationship with Rye, me being the “dominant”, I guess Anton is in a boy toy relationship with R too, Anton must be a masochist to the pain the relationship is giving him, and R together with the relationship itself is the sadist. And Anton keeps going back to experience even more..


But up to what extent are we willing to experience the pain, in a masochist boy toy relationship?


Rye and I ended eating in Pares Mami House along Espana, I’m glad they’re serving “Longsilog”.




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In a city that makes up 60% of its population who are gays, and the rest – hmmm… I can’t help but wonder just how much of the city composes the gay beat that goes on and on and on?


It was Halloween night, Anton and I have nowhere to go. Anton is not in the mood to go to Malate to bar hop or to dance in our usual clubs, and so we decided to explore the stretch of Timog Avenue in Quezon City. It was an impulse decision, we never ever thought that we’ll be caught dead in Timog walking and looking for a bar or a club to go in.


We didn’t have a choice, it was getting really late and we really have to decide where we want to go. Decades Bar.


As we walk in the entrance, we were feeling really nervous of what’s going to happen as the night-morning progresses. This was our first time to step in a straight club and actually considered to enter. It was a little contemptible at first, there were many bouncers in the front and they have this velvet rope in the middle of the entrance.


They charged us PHP 90 for the entrance and a free beer. We walked inside, it was huge, and there were a lot of tables lined up all over the place. There is a wide variety of people sitting, mingling and dancing with each other, the only crowd and the most important crowd that is missing in the whole club – are gays.


Anton and I went farther in the club, in their “dance floor”, to see a group of women dancing to each other with their skimpy outfits. It could have been a sight to behold if only most of the women in the club are hot and sexy, pun intended, but only a few were qualified to be in that category.


Halfway through our beer, we saw this small group of gays in the corner of the club. They were dancing and having fun. We went closer to them and just stood near them and continued to “people watch”. We were shocked while witnessing the most disturbing act we saw that night. The only gay group we saw in the club were dancing, fabulously, but in a “straight” way, doing a hip-hop dance, or however they want to call it.


We were stunned in a bad way to what were witnessing. I leaned over to Anton and asked him, “When did this happen?”, he just looked at me and laughed hysterically.


Is the universe giving a sign to all gays who have been “out there” for a long time that this is the next level they have to take, to invade the straight scene and diversify the place, and make it a club with an equal mixture of straight and gay people? Even if most of the attempts will completely fail, that gays will just have to find a way to fit in to something that is a size smaller to them, or in this case, a size bigger to them?


There’s a simple equation for gays to be qualified to enter a world they have never experienced since grade school and half of their high school years; just trade in your muscle shirts to one size bigger, your skinny jeans to straight cut pants, your favourite Chuck’s or your pointy shoes to any Adidas sneakers, and a little less powder and concealer on your cheeks and your in. And oh, you have to watch more Beyonce and Rihanna collaboration videos and learn the dance. It’s up to you whether you want to copy Beyonce’s or Rihanna’s moves or their collaboration’s both will qualify and receive good reviews on a “straight” dance floor.


Then Alicia Key’s No One Remix played in the background, Anton and I went in the middle of the middle of the dance floor, we dance like usual, and before we get into the chorus of the song just right after being bumped by a guy and a woman dry humping each other while dancing, we have to stop dancing and look around the place, its so array the way reacted, they don’t want to see two gays dancing close to each other in the middle of their dance floor.


And so we just stood in the middle to witness what the people in the bar are doing. The one’s who are just sitting, women and men alike, were just checking the people who were dancing, and the one’s in the bar area were just standing hitting someone who ‘s walking in front of them. But what really is disturbing, are the people dancing. They were touching each other in a deranged way. Anton and I were really shocked.


We left the club early. We swore to ourselves that we would never go back in the place again or enter any straight bars, unless we want to feel good about ourselves and laugh while people watching, we will.


I, on the other hand, went home with a big smile on my face, thinking, I’m glad I’m gay, I have good fashion sense. But really, Halloween of 2008 will be my most memorable Halloween ever, I was traumatized!    


Written by Patrick King Pascual

November 1, 2008 at 12:43 pm

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