Suspension of Disbelief

Archive for December 2008

I Dream of Paris

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We fall in love with something (or someone) so beautiful, so tender, so fragile, and yet so strong, until we become obsessed with it, in a good way of course. We may call it love or Anton’s definition; fixation.


We all have dreams that we imagine and think of repeatedly everyday, every minute. Dreams that we programmed ourselves to reach in the near future, no matter how hard or how long it will take us. And in the end, it becomes an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone in our head – fixation, is really unhealthy?




He is a classic.

He can make you smile.

He is beautiful.

He can take your breath away.

He is fragile.

He can break into tears for you.

He is romantic.

He can make you fall in love.

He is perfect.








His name is Paris. I met him 3 months ago, B.G. introduced us. He is in a relationship with Baron for I think for more than 12 months now. Both of them are my friends. I never saw them again after the first meeting. Paris was stuck on my mind.


Then the “Laguna Christmas Party” came. I saw him again with all of my other friends. Everything was rebooted; my fantasies, my longing, my desire. I realised how much I really like him. It’s like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, something so beautiful and tempting and yet you can’t get your hands around it. Pain.


At first, it was all about carnal lust towards him. He wasn’t feeling well that night, so after dinner and a couple of drinks he went straight to bed. It was a big chance for me; all I have to do is grab it, while Baron is busy enjoying the party with the rest of the group. But I didn’t.


Fast-forward to my “Extended Play” celebration of my birthday party in my house. I invited the group for an all night drinking session then Malate party after.


10PM came. Ryan “Kulot” SMS me saying, he and Paris were already outside my house.


I was shocked and excited at the same time. Paris was still unsure earlier if he can come to my party because of his early work the next day. For an hour or so, it was only the three of us chatting and waiting for the rest of the group. It was ecstatic for me. Finally, I said to myself.


But my ecstasy turned into despair. Baron SMS Paris that he’s on his way to my house to attend my party. Not being a bitch here, but, I was so desperate in the last two days, trying to find the perfect gift for myself for my birthday; I thought – it’s already here standing in front of me, but no.


Hours passed, the whole group were halfway through being drunk, when these subtle arguments between Paris and Baron echoed from their side of the table started. Paris stood up, and walked and walked around the whole area of the floor for several minutes.


He stayed at one end of the floor, looking outside, he was obviously pissed off. And then he started crying. I saw him and approached him. I tried my very best to act as a friend to him and not someone who have a “hidden agenda” against their relationship.


It was only then I discovered that their relationship is not as perfect as I thought it was. In the last six months of their relationship, Baron is, let’s just say, not doing his part in the relationship to a point that he’s already hurting Paris big time.


I was like, “If he’s acting that way and treating you that way, you should talk to him and ask him what he really wants. Man, you don’t deserve being treated way.” His tears continued to fall. And Baron doesn’t seem to care.


I walked back to the group to drink another shot of Vodka Zero, when Paris threw that half empty bottle of Red Horse on the wall, and he screamed. I ran towards him, “Relax. What did I just say? Feel the pain but don’t let it get to you. Don’t punish yourself this bad.”



An hour passed, Jek somehow managed to get Baron to talk to Paris. They surprisingly patched things up that easy. Pain.


After finishing the bottle of Absolute Apeach, we left for Malate. Paris never made it inside the club. He puked in the front and Baron took him home. Pain.


Anton arrived around three in the morning. I told him the whole story. He goes like, you have two choices: either you fuck up their relationship and make sure that you will get Paris fully or just be friends with him and enjoy the friendship and just wait and not hope for anything more.


I couldn’t stop thinking about Paris that night.




As Jeff, Anton and I take our breakfast after partying in Malate, we got into a little argument on how I should define the feelings I have for Paris. Yes, I end up being judgemental with their relationship just and only because of what I feel about Paris.


But if you look closer, there’s something wrong in their relationship that only one of them is willing to fix it and the other doesn’t really care. Again, who am I to judge and analyze their relationship?


Anton defined my feelings as a fixation and nothing more.


I got into thinking after our little healthy argument; are we all just hopeless to point that we are willing to believe anything and everything even if we know deep in ourselves that it is impossible?


What a tempting thought.





Written by Patrick King Pascual

December 28, 2008 at 7:08 am

Birthday Suit

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Every year we look forward to several holidays, several occasions we save up for, we plan vigorously and spend it as a time to release our inhibitions, take off our tired shoes and just lay back. But, there are few celebrations we just want to pass and just pretend it didn’t happen.




Last week, I attended my office, ANC’s, Christmas party. It’s one of the celebrations I was looking forward to; really, it’s been like forever since we have our very own Christmas party. Usually, we’re just squatting with the NCAD group to celebrate our Christmas party, which usually ends up, the NCAD people having all the fun. But this year was really different, Ms. Glenda, our COO, made sure that we will have our very own party, and indeed, it was a success.


It was a double celebration for me. Halfway through the party, Ms. Glenda announced that ANC will also have 10/10 awardees like the 20/20 awardees of the NCAD group. 20 for the twenty awardees and 20 for the twenty-thousand pesos each of the awardees will receive. Our version, ANC’s version, 10/10.


I kept going back to the toilet to unload; I have been drinking since the party started. I promised myself that I will hydrate myself with liquor that night, and so I did; a mixture of San Mig Light, Colt 45, Bailey’s, Whisky, and a shot of Tequila.


As I walk back to the party hall, I heard Ms. Glenda calling my name, I think she repeated it twice or three times, I rushed in. She asked me to go into the front, to accept the certificate and to give a little a speech. I was one of the 10/10 awardees.


I was blank for a minute, all I could say was, OMG. And then, Ms. Maria Ressa walked closer to me and said, “Congratulations Patrick, you did well this year.” I was awakened after hearing her congratulating me.


I was shaking, shocked, I thanked everyone: “Korina Today – the show who taught me everything and the program I’ve been with the longest and Patricia Evangelista for releasing the BE(A)ST in me, Ms. Glenda – for trusting me and giving me the chance to show my talent and capabilities, and  Ms. Maria Ressa”.


For a minute I thought I already thanked everyone who shaped me in the past two years, and as I returned the microphone to Ms. Glenda, I realised, I forgot to thank Mr. Tony Velasquez, the host of RNG (Regional Network Group)-driven program Crossroads who have been so good to me. I’m unworthy.


And so I’m taking this opportunity to thank Mr. Tony Velasquez, for trusting his video inserts and editing of his program to me every week and for keeping his patience level up  – even if I fail to attend our weekly meeting and sometimes fail to deliver my 100% to his program.


After leaving the front of the hall, Cris Malapit walked towards my direction and gave me another bottle of San Mig Light. He said, “We need to celebrate Patrick!” We continued to drink the whole night, I lost count of how many bottles of beer and brands of alcohol I submerged myself into, but it was worth it.




Today, December 26, 2008, I turn 22. Most of my friends are in their respective provinces, spending their holiday with their family. Jeff is not replying to any of my messages, Nicole is in Olongapo, enjoying the marines, Bernard is too busy with his boyfriend, and I just got an SMS from Anton saying that he’s back from his Batangas trip, and oh, B.G. is in Batangas with Raymond.


So far, no plans yet for my birthday, just the traditional birthday dinner with my family. I persuaded Anton to join us in the dinner and just figure something after.


It’s only three in the afternoon, I don’t know if I’m feeling less or bored, my friends greeted me for my birthday, and yet I’m still feeling down. I’m guessing — the best birthday present I received is the 10/10 award from ANC, but who knows what’s in store for me tonight.


I’m still choosing what to wear for my birthday dinner, I have three different tops. I can go with the usual “Malate kid” look a.k.a. my everyday polo shirt, or my new blue plaid button-down short or the red version of it. Ahh!




A year of my life just ended, I remember last year; I swore to myself that I will wear an optimistic attitude towards work, friends, and looking for “the one”. But as I look back to the things I have done and accomplished in the past year, I got into thinking, “Are we getting older and wiser or just older?”


I manage to succeed on most of my dwellings; in my work, my friends – I fixed all the loopholes between, but I still managed to forget the thing that will make me happy and to keep me smiling after a hard day at work, a relationship. I’m tormented every time I think of it.


It’s been more than two years now that I have been single. I just realised it’s hard to type the word “single” after spending another year with no accomplishment in the column of “relationship”. It’s true.   


Today, that year ended, and a new year will begin. New hopes will come, new guys will come and make me cry, and new friends will come to make my life more colourful and new opportunities will open work-wise.


Is it high time to stop waiting for something and just remain optimistic? Or is it the right time to wear high hopes and expectations for my birthday until the next big day comes?               




Written by Patrick King Pascual

December 26, 2008 at 7:15 am


with one comment


He’s a 7-incher. He’s in a relationship for a year now. He cheats on his partner.


His name is Dave. I met him in the chatroom. We agreed to meet; around 11 PM last Friday


He arrived ten minutes before 12 MN. He was 45 minutes late, I was a pissed off.


When we got into the roof-deck of my house, he immediately grabbed me closer to him, and started playing with my chest, my body and caressed my dick from the outside of my pants.


I took off his shirt, started to lick both of his nipples and unbuckled his belt. He removed my shirt and licked my nipples while he unzipped my pants. After loosing the button of my pants, he pulled it down. I stood in front of him wearing my underwear.


He continued to play with my dick, I was throbbing hard. I started to remove his pants together with his underwear. When I reached for his dick, I was shocked. It was a 7 inches meat hanging from a 5’7” guy.


It was a force bigger than me. I have to conquer it, and taste it. And so I did. I knelt in front of him and started to give him head. Just a couple of minutes passed, I stood up and I guided his head lower to my still covered dick.


Dave removed my underwear and started to give me head while I jerked him off. After two minutes, he stood up and we continued to jerk each other. I lay on top of the long dining table in the middle of our roof-deck, I asked Dave to lie down beside me, with his head facing my dick. We were in 69-position.


I deep-throated him, he sucked me hard every time I swallowed the entity of his shaft. We stayed in that position for more than 10 minutes. It was amazing. I played with his 7 inches dick for the longest time I could. I enjoyed it.


Then, Dave knelt in front of my face and jerked his dick faster and harder. He came on my chin and few of his jizz dripped to my neck. I came on my tummy.


He wiped his cum on my chin and on my neck. We spent the next few minutes talking.






Dave is in a relationship with a pure bottom, they have been together for a year now. His partner, his loyal partner (according to him), doesn’t have a single clue of what he’s doing or what he’s been doing. And he’s not planning to tell his partner about it anytime soon.






When we’re single, we’re complaining over the fact that we have been looking for “the one” for the longest time, and when we get the chance to finally date someone, we check everything more than twice and analyze everything over and over again until find a flaw on the person and dwell on it.


And even with our one-night stands, we can’t help but hope and wish that the next person we’re going to invite for a casual meet might or will be our one. With the kind of mind-set, everything will be pre-empted and surely, end up to just a casual sex, to nothing. 


But when we finally enter a relationship, a dream relationship, we still complain and continue to question things, questions we want to be answered. Questions that are really based on who knows? Something shallow, something that involves paranoia, or something that will lessen the jealousy we feel.


Is Dave in the verge of a 7-month itch, (seven being the operative word)? Is Dave bored with his partner knowing that he is a pure bottom and just want to have sex with someone who is versatile of a pure top? (what a shallow reason) Or simply, is Dave, just like any other “gay asshole”, he’s good in bed but terrible or worst when it comes to relationships?






Dave double-wiped his face to make sure there’s no trace of anything foreign, he smelled his shirt and checked himself in front of the mirror. He left my house rushing, “I still have to meet my boyfriend, and have dinner with him. See you soon.”


As I closed the gate, I got into thinking, am I really that kind of person, who doesn’t care whether his (casual) sex partner is single or attached? Am I that kind of person, who will ruin a good relationship by having sex with one of them? Will I be able to take it, if I were in Dave’s boyfriend position? Or will I do it, if I were in Dave’s position?


After all, what’s better than a good 7 inches dick blowjob compared to a whole night of complaining about the fact of being single?




Written by Patrick King Pascual

December 9, 2008 at 5:52 pm

Crime of Passion

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It was half passed midnight of Dec. 2, Tuesday. Anton, Nicole and I were rushing back to Blumentritt, Espana to meet B.G.


He greeted us with a smile and a hug. The next few minutes with B.G. was one of he most disturbing moments of the entire evening.




His name was Ivan.


He went home to his condo around midnight, accompanied by another straight-acting gay guy he met at a gay club in Makati. It could have been the usual one-night stand anyone does after a long day of work. But it wasn’t.


The “suspect” left the condo around 10:30 the same morning.




The security in Ivan’s condo was alarmed after sensing layers and layers of smoke coming out his room. They barged into the unit.


Ivan was dead. His unit was burned. 90% of his body, burned. The shelf that holds his magazine collection collapsed, and it somehow managed to protect his face from the immense fire that ate his body.


The family and friends of Ivan insisted to have his body autopsied.




He was strangled with a nylon cord. He was hit hard at the back of head. He was stabbed using a very pointed object that penetrated his neck all the way up to his head and was left there for several hours. He was burned after.




The suspect is still at large up to this very moment. There were several leads to who the killer was. First; he signed the guest book in the lobby of Ivan’s condo, (the name) which they can use in tracing the suspect, but only few days after the murder, they found out that the name he used was one of Ivan’s friends.


And as the Philippine National Police and S.O.C.O. continued their investigation, another possible lead floated among the family and friends of Ivan, the suspect was a serial killer, who has sex with gays and kills them after.




After telling this story to my friend Patricia, we got into thinking that what happened to Ivan was – a fetish gone wrong. And when his partner started to panic, was too afraid to call the ambulance, he was left with no other choice but to kill him and burn his unit to clean up for any possible evidence he might left.


But a tingling fact continues to play in my head.


Why would someone end up killing someone that brutally? If it were an ordinary one-night type of thing, he wouldn’t have that technical knowledge on how to kill someone that progressive. 


If you play with your fetish with someone you just met, chances are, it will definitely go wrong. But killing your partner brutally after a misstep with your fantasy, is definitely a big foul with someone who gives in to their fetishes. I should know, ‘because I have several I practice with random people, and I don’t end up killing them if something went wrong.


But, it still was a fetish play, a fetish play of the serial killer. The killer who wants have sex first with his victim, and afterwards kill him, or take his life while he comes, it may differ from one to the other, it depends on his mood.


Foul. It’s definitely a foul play of fetish. But, who am I to judge on how he practices his fetish?




But why the fuck does it have to involve gays?


Was it another hate crime?  




Written by Patrick King Pascual

December 6, 2008 at 2:19 pm

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