Suspension of Disbelief

I Dream of Paris

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We fall in love with something (or someone) so beautiful, so tender, so fragile, and yet so strong, until we become obsessed with it, in a good way of course. We may call it love or Anton’s definition; fixation.


We all have dreams that we imagine and think of repeatedly everyday, every minute. Dreams that we programmed ourselves to reach in the near future, no matter how hard or how long it will take us. And in the end, it becomes an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone in our head – fixation, is really unhealthy?




He is a classic.

He can make you smile.

He is beautiful.

He can take your breath away.

He is fragile.

He can break into tears for you.

He is romantic.

He can make you fall in love.

He is perfect.








His name is Paris. I met him 3 months ago, B.G. introduced us. He is in a relationship with Baron for I think for more than 12 months now. Both of them are my friends. I never saw them again after the first meeting. Paris was stuck on my mind.


Then the “Laguna Christmas Party” came. I saw him again with all of my other friends. Everything was rebooted; my fantasies, my longing, my desire. I realised how much I really like him. It’s like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, something so beautiful and tempting and yet you can’t get your hands around it. Pain.


At first, it was all about carnal lust towards him. He wasn’t feeling well that night, so after dinner and a couple of drinks he went straight to bed. It was a big chance for me; all I have to do is grab it, while Baron is busy enjoying the party with the rest of the group. But I didn’t.


Fast-forward to my “Extended Play” celebration of my birthday party in my house. I invited the group for an all night drinking session then Malate party after.


10PM came. Ryan “Kulot” SMS me saying, he and Paris were already outside my house.


I was shocked and excited at the same time. Paris was still unsure earlier if he can come to my party because of his early work the next day. For an hour or so, it was only the three of us chatting and waiting for the rest of the group. It was ecstatic for me. Finally, I said to myself.


But my ecstasy turned into despair. Baron SMS Paris that he’s on his way to my house to attend my party. Not being a bitch here, but, I was so desperate in the last two days, trying to find the perfect gift for myself for my birthday; I thought – it’s already here standing in front of me, but no.


Hours passed, the whole group were halfway through being drunk, when these subtle arguments between Paris and Baron echoed from their side of the table started. Paris stood up, and walked and walked around the whole area of the floor for several minutes.


He stayed at one end of the floor, looking outside, he was obviously pissed off. And then he started crying. I saw him and approached him. I tried my very best to act as a friend to him and not someone who have a “hidden agenda” against their relationship.


It was only then I discovered that their relationship is not as perfect as I thought it was. In the last six months of their relationship, Baron is, let’s just say, not doing his part in the relationship to a point that he’s already hurting Paris big time.


I was like, “If he’s acting that way and treating you that way, you should talk to him and ask him what he really wants. Man, you don’t deserve being treated way.” His tears continued to fall. And Baron doesn’t seem to care.


I walked back to the group to drink another shot of Vodka Zero, when Paris threw that half empty bottle of Red Horse on the wall, and he screamed. I ran towards him, “Relax. What did I just say? Feel the pain but don’t let it get to you. Don’t punish yourself this bad.”



An hour passed, Jek somehow managed to get Baron to talk to Paris. They surprisingly patched things up that easy. Pain.


After finishing the bottle of Absolute Apeach, we left for Malate. Paris never made it inside the club. He puked in the front and Baron took him home. Pain.


Anton arrived around three in the morning. I told him the whole story. He goes like, you have two choices: either you fuck up their relationship and make sure that you will get Paris fully or just be friends with him and enjoy the friendship and just wait and not hope for anything more.


I couldn’t stop thinking about Paris that night.




As Jeff, Anton and I take our breakfast after partying in Malate, we got into a little argument on how I should define the feelings I have for Paris. Yes, I end up being judgemental with their relationship just and only because of what I feel about Paris.


But if you look closer, there’s something wrong in their relationship that only one of them is willing to fix it and the other doesn’t really care. Again, who am I to judge and analyze their relationship?


Anton defined my feelings as a fixation and nothing more.


I got into thinking after our little healthy argument; are we all just hopeless to point that we are willing to believe anything and everything even if we know deep in ourselves that it is impossible?


What a tempting thought.





Written by Patrick King Pascual

December 28, 2008 at 7:08 am

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