Suspension of Disbelief

Just Say “Yes”

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Five more days and I will be celebrating my third month with Erick. My relationship with Erick has been mostly “ups” and very, very few “downs”.

I was surprised to experience a straight up relationship with Erick, unlike in my past relationships, there were several emotional and intellectual challenges and obstacles I have to overcome before I can freely feel that I am happy and satisfied with the relationship.

More than three years of being single, more than three years of going through life and experiencing every joy, pain and agony of reality, it created a mindset I unconsciously use each and every time I meet a new guy; that there are only three things every guy want and experience when they go out on a date; a good fuck, an endless screening to add their long list of friends, or a hit and run accident and finally date “the one” (of course, at the end of the day, you only have 5% chance to hit a perfect score when you’re in a date with the guy you consider as “the one”, and end up – you going in bed alone hoping and for a message from him the whole night until the next day, you’ll be probably get a forwarded message if you’re lucky, but most of the time, none.)

For almost three months, I have experienced happiness and if I can freely use the word “contentment”, I am, with Erick.

I can’t really understand what I’m going through, after overcoming all the obstacles and challenges I have to go through, not while in the relationship, but on my way before I finally got in the relationship; I still can’t fully admit to him that we are already committed, that we are in a monogamous relationship, or in simpler terms; I can’t say “yes” in front of his face, even if, I think, there’s nothing stopping me.

Last June 27, when I attended the White Party in Malate with my friends and Erick, I unconsciously blurted in front of Erick that I love him. I felt like everything suddenly stopped, I didn’t know what I heard or what entered my mind that time and I said that to him.

It’s not that I don’t love him, I felt like it’s not the right time and place to say such thing, I could have said it to him on many different occasions, but I unconsciously chose that night and said it. But is the saying true, “When you truly love someone, you will not choose a moment or place to let that person know and feel how much you love him?” I guess it is.

Don’t get things wrong, I like Erick, and I must admit, I’m starting to fall in-love with him, but every time our conversations lean towards the end of courting and the start of the actual relationship, I can’t simply say “yes”, even if I want to.

In matters of relationships, have the rules and the steps in entering and keeping a relationship changed as time goes by? Is it a must to say to the person you are sharing your life with that you want to go steady with him, that you love him, or your actions will speak louder than those words and it will do more than enough for the two of you? Why can’t we just say “yes” if we really want something?



Written by Patrick King Pascual

July 5, 2009 at 4:14 pm

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