Suspension of Disbelief

The edge of patience

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Outrage Magazine | 22 January 2013

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It all started with a ‘Hello’, a handshake, and a smile, yes, with a beautiful smile.

The introduction was brief, but the conversation that followed was longer than any other first conversations he had with people that he just met.

It was one of those successful first meet-ups, wherein both of them jived together and both were interested in each other’s stories. The only thing missing that time was wine, then it could have been the perfect first meet-up.

But then again, the first meeting was not a date nor was it a random meet-up; he was there for an errand.

He didn’t want to step beyond the limitations, what with The Artist as his client. He didn’t want to make a move that time, he didn’t want to leave a bad impression.

After their meeting ended, he left The Artist’s office; he gave him a handshake, warm ‘Thank You’s’ were exchanged with memorable smiles.

It was only after he left the showroom when he realized that he likes The Artist.

When he likes someone, he shows it through his actions.

He didn’t want to make a move because he was afraid and unsure of how The Artist would react.

But he eventually decided to start showing gestures.

He was always very enthusiastic to reply to The Artist’s messages and he always made himself available every time The Artist invited him to meet.

He was very optimistic that something good would come out of all this.

Their smart conversations continued and lasted for a very long time. It seemed like a cue for him to continue showing his gestures. He never had any bad intentions for The Artist. He just wanted to know The Artist a little bit more and spend more quality time with him.

He knew that it was a long shot. The Artist, being too busy with his craft, and him, always in the office from morning until late at night, finishing the requirements for the next day.

Or maybe, both of them were just making excuses.

But along the way, he felt that he’s not making that much impact with the gestures he had been showing. He decided to go to The Artist’s hometown.

That was one of the lowest points of the entire 92 days.

He went there, thinking that something would finally be affirmed, but there were none. At night – after they spent the whole day together, going around the city, enjoying local delicacies – he admitted to himself that the situation he’s in will not go anywhere further than what’s already happening between them. And it saddened him big time.

He’s not used to being the first one to confide true feelings and intentions to the other person and so the whole situation became a waiting game.

The waiting made him anxious. He was uneasy for the longest time.

Every time they’re together, while they’re enjoying each other’s company, over a great food and several glasses of red wine – and that one thing, that single thing that he wanted to discuss, their feelings – was being left out.

He didn’t know if it was a deliberate move from The Artist; or mayve, were they just both afraid to confide their feelings to each other – afraid of losing each others company?

Was it just a mere misinterpretation? They obviously enjoyed each other’s company and they liked each other.

Weeks and months passed and he still hasn’t heard anything concrete from The Artist. It was also during that time when he slowly realized that he’s already willing to let go of The Artist.

The waiting, the anxiety, the madness that he had been feeling – all already hitting their limits.

He’s normally patient when it comes to dating and meeting new guys. He wants to know the other person first before jumping the gun. But in the case of The Artist, he didn’t seem to get through. And every time he tried to move away from The Artist, ignoring him for several days, The Artist sent him messages, paranoid messages, asking him how he was and all.

He was mad and furious. If The Artist didn’t want to do anything serious with him, he should have never led him on.

He reached the edge of patience. And he didn’t want to look desperate.

He never lied about the fact that he’s already falling for The Artist. He had been completely honest with himself about it, and his actions towards The Artist, the gestures he had been displaying the entire time – only proved how much he really liked The Artist.

But at the end of the day, you need to ask yourself: no matter how hard you show how much you like a person and your actions are not being reciprocated the way you want it to be, is the anxiety you feel each day, worth it?

 

(Outrage Magazine remains the only publication for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community in the Philippines.)

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