Suspension of Disbelief

Archive for June 2015

Confessions of a former ‘gift’ giver…

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Outrage Magazine | 08 June 2015

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This is part of “More than a Number”, which Outrage Magazine launched on March 1, 2013 to give a human face to those infected and affected by the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) and Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS) in the Philippines, what it considers as “an attempt to tell the stories of those whose lives have been touched by HIV and AIDS”. More information about (or – for that matter – to be included in) “More than a Number”, email editor@outragemag.com, or call (+63) 9287854244 and (+63) 9157972229.

POZ

“I felt a sudden jolt after I came/orgasmed inside the person that I was having sex with bareback,” Paolo said. He didn’t look particularly happy; he even had a blank stare.

But he was open about sharing his sexual experiences with me.

Particularly that part in his life, when he used to be a “participant of a small group of HIV-positive straight-acting gays who frequent different places in the metro and engage in different sexual activities.”

Paolo, by the way, was diagnosed with HIV in 2007. After he registered and submitted his medical documents in San Lazaro Hospital, he didn’t go back until early 2011.

LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST

“Maybe I’m the type who doesn’t dwell much on problems. I was aware that I will be battling a lifelong endeavor (being HIV-positive), but I didn’t want to think about it to the point that my life would be hindered,” he said.

When his boyfriend at the time broke up with him, right after he regained his strength from the ARV trial period he had to endure, he lived each day as if it was his last.

“I revealed my condition to some friends and they have been very supportive,” Paolo said. His friends were so supportive, in fact, that “we were going out almost every night.”

It was during one of those night outs that he met Red*.

Red is also HIV-positive; he was diagnosed a year later than Paolo. They became fast friends after their first meeting. “There was nothing sexual nor intimate between us. We were just really good friends,” said Paolo, who found solace in the company of Red.

Partying for Paolo meant frequenting the likes of gay bars, including Bed Bar and O Bar. “I was living my life to the fullest; like I’m HIV-free,” Paolo said.

Bar-hopping – according to Paolo – also happened in the likes of Fahrenheit, Palawan, Blue Fairies, and others.

Though Paolo admitted that he was a regular in those establishments, for a while, he went there solely to party.  Picking up was not in his mind, as he was “still afraid and very cautious to have sex with another person. I was only doing oral sex that time.”

Soon, though, everything changed.

NEWFOUND INDEPENDENCE

As shared by Paolo, during one of their “crazy nights” in a bar in Quezon City, “Red and I met a group of good looking and gym-toned straight-acting gays. We had drinks at (this) bar. And after an hour of laughter, we left the club and went to (a bar) in Ortigas,” Paolo recalled.

The night went by like their “regular night outs”. They watched the performances, ordered several bottles of beer, and flirted with different people.

Little did Paolo know that he actually signed up for a different type of fun that night.

“I think it was around 3:00 AM and we were all very tipsy, when one of our newfound friends, Marvin*, started kissing someone he just met on the dance floor,” Paolo narrated. “And then he pulled me closer to them and started rubbing my crotch.”

Tara, sama ka sa amin (Come join us),” Paolo remembered Marvin saying with a smile.

The three of them left that bar and went to Marvin’s apartment.

“While I was getting head from the guy we picked up from the bar, Marvin positioned himself behind him. He started penetrating him without a condom,” Paolo recounted. “After several minutes, he held the bottom guy closer to him, holding his waist tightly, and shot his load.”

After their encounter, the guy they picked up just got dressed and then immediately left. And while Paolo was fixing himself, Marvin asked if he wanted to grab an early breakfast. He agreed.

Their conversation while eating turned from recounting what happened at Marvin’s apartment to being confrontational.

“’I saw what you took when we were at O Bar, and it wasn’t a party pill!’, Marvin told me. I was silent at first, and then he continued: “It’s okay, don’t worry, pareho lang tayo (we’re the same),” Paolo said.

SHARING “THE GIFT”

From then on, Paolo and Marvin’s group became this close-knit circle that frequented the bars, flirting and picking up random people, and inviting them to go with them for sex.

“It became my routine. I went to those places three to four times a week to meet different people. And I always performed unprotected sex with them. At that time, I thought I was satisfying my ego, that I had the upper hand and in control,” Paolo said, shaking his head.

He also thought “I was sharing the ‘gift’.”

It reached a point where he no longer joined Marvin’s group and just went out to party and pick up on his own.

“Last year was really the height of my inappropriate routine. As people flocked O Bar, for instance, my choices widened. Every time I went there, I always made it a point that I will be bringing someone home. It became very addicting,” he admitted.

And there were times that “after finishing someone, I would go back to bars to pick up someone again.”

Red*, who ended up knowing about Paolo’s “addiction”, tried talking him out of it.  Paolo just “refused to respond to his calls and text messages.”

TURNING POINT

Last March, according to Paolo, when he went to a bar in Ortigas, “I met this really cute guy. He was about the same height as I am, and he had a really good built,” Paolo said.

They shared drinks together and danced to several songs. And like usual, he invited this guy back to his place.

Paolo had unprotected sex with him. But unlike most of the his one-night encounters, this new guy chose to spend the night at his place.

“We had sex three times that night – at all times, I came inside him. The following day, he gave me a call saying that he wanted to have lunch with me,” Paolo recalled.

They met and had lunch together. It was also then that he found out that this new guy really likes him.

“He also confessed to me that he was only 16 years old,” Paolo added.

Paolo paused and lit another cigarette. Suddenly, his phone rang; he excused himself.

He returned, looking apologetic.  “Sorry about that. It was the 16-year-old guy I was telling you about,” he said.  He lit another cigarette.

And then sitting across me again, he continued: “We started dating after that unfortunate night. I really like him. But at the same time I feel guilty. He is still young and I (may have given) him the disease. I was awakened. I wanted to die after learning that he was only 16 years old. I felt really sorry for myself… that I had to do those things.”

Paolo was misty-eyed while talking; he even rubbed his eye, looking more like wiping his tears. He cleared his throat, and then continued smoking, finishing his cigarette.

“I know that I’m a bad person because I did all those things and it took me a long time to realize that,” Paolo said. “If I could only turn back time, I would not have done all those things.”

He also added that if he would be given a chance, he would talk to all the people that he had unprotected sex with and ask for their forgiveness.

“Some people living with HIV do really go around to spread the ‘gift’,” Paolo said. There are those who “are out there victimizing HIV-negative members of the community.”

Being more aware, Paolo also believes in one’s responsibility over oneself – helped, obviously, with further education that empowers people to protect themselves.  “Even if you’re having a fun time, never let your guard down. You should never completely trust anyone when it comes to sex, especially when you are at your most gullible and vulnerable self,” Paolo ended.

*NAMES WERE CHANGED AS REQUESTED BY THE INTERVIEWEE TO PROTECT THEIR PRIVACY

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(Outrage Magazine remains the only publication for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community in the Philippines.)

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Paolo: Being HIV-positive as a personal struggle

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Outrage Magazine | 25 May 2015

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This is part of “More than a Number”, which Outrage Magazine launched on March 1, 2013 to give a human face to those infected and affected by the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) and Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS) in the Philippines, what it considers as “an attempt to tell the stories of those whose lives have been touched by HIV and AIDS”. More information about (or – for that matter – to be included in) “More than a Number”, email editor@outragemag.com, or call (+63) 9287854244 and (+63) 9157972229.

POZ2

He was standing on the balcony of one of the coffee shops in Tomas Morato, puffing his cigarette before he spotted, and then waved at me.

“Hi, I’m Paolo, patient H42007XXX*,” he said to me when we were face to face, introducing himself as he reached for my hand.

Several weeks back, I received an email from an unfamiliar sender, asking if I wanted to write about the “real deal of being a PLHIV in the Philippines”. Having written about the issues facing the HIV community in the Philippines, including the ARV stockout, this was not exactly uncommon.  Outrage Magazine also has a campaign – “More than a number” – that aims to give a human face to those affected by HIV.  But the following day, the same sender sent another email; and this time, it seemed more… convincing.

Dear Mr. Pascual,

I came across your contact details while browsing Outrage Magazine.

I am reaching out to you for an interview. I want to give firsthand details and experiences on what it’s like to be a PLHIV. I want to share my perspective. We can set a meeting so you can listen to my story.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking anything in return, I just want to share what I know and what I have been to in the last eight years; probably, to help and inspire other PLHIVs and to educate members of the LGBT community.

Hoping for your favorable reply.

Regards,

Patient H42007XXX

WAKE-UP CALL

“I remember the time when I found out that I am HIV-positive. It was the summer of 2007. My friends and I usually get ourselves tested every six months because of the kind of lifestyle we were practicing,” Paolo recalled.

Before being diagnosed, he spent most of his nights in different LGBT places in the metro, including clubs and bathhouses. He admitted to partying, drinking, and taking recreational drugs like there was no tomorrow.

He did go to “San Lazaro to register and submit my test results. I felt that it was the right thing to do,” he said.  Paolo also admitted his status to his closest friends, even if kept it from his family.

Even after he tested positive, Paolo’s lifestyle remained as wild as usual.  “I was out every night. Because whenever I’m sober, when I’m alone and the surrounding is quiet, that’s when depression kicks in. Yes, I’m okay. Yes, I already accepted my status. But, things are not that easy. I always need a distraction to take my mind off things,” Paolo said.

After his few initial visits to the treatment hub, he stopped going for four years and only returned in early 2011, when one of his friends also tested positive and asked for his help.

“My CD4 count at that time (in 2007) was 582; it was high enough. But when I went back to the hospital in 2011, it was already 327. I was really worried,” Paolo said.

STARTING TREATMENT

When his CD4 count reached that level, he was advised by the doctors to start taking antiretroviral medications.

Paolo was willing to start the trial period of the treatment, but one of the hub’s policies at that time was for a patient to have a treatment partner before they allow and give them the medicines.

“I have no one to ask,” Paolo said.

He was living on his own that time.

“And although my friends knew my status, I didn’t want them to go through the endeavor I was going through,” he recalled.

So he convinced the doctors to allow him to start the treatment on his own and assured them that he would comply with all the requirements of the hub.  Paolo was made to sign a waiver, indicating that whatever happened to him, the treatment hub or attending doctors will not be held liable.

“I was given two weeks’ worth of Lamivudine/Zidovudine and Nevirapine. The doctors also gave me a list of allergy-causing food and was asked to avoid them for three months,” Paolo said.

During the first few days of intake, Paolo started feeling pain and was feverish.

“The doctors explained the possible initial side effects of the ARVs; but to actually feel it first hand, it was like hell. Two days in, my whole body was in pain. My fever was rising every day. I wasn’t allowed to take Paracetamol. I wanted to stop taking the medications, but I know it wouldn’t do any good,” Paolo said.

He lost almost 30 lbs after one week. His fever played from 39°C to 43°C, and patches of red marks also started to appear in different parts of his body.

“I was very weak. I called the treatment hub and told them about my condition. I was asked not to stop taking the ARV meds and finish the two-week trial. But before I was able to reach the 14thday, I was experiencing unbearable headaches and muscle pain, it felt like I was going to die,” he said.

The first thing the following day, he went to the hub and waited for the doctor.

He was injected with a high dose of Iterax.

“That morning, the antihistamine that was given to me was really strong. I took the train on my way home. It was really difficult. It was a mix of headache, nausea, and muscle pain,” Paolo recalled.

After one week, he was asked to go back to the hub. He was given another set of ARVs.

“Good thing they shifted my medication to Efavirenz. Even if I feel groggy every time I take it, it’s more tolerable than Nevirapine,” he added.

FEELING LOW

“I remember when I lost weight and when red patches started to appear on my skin, I felt so low. I couldn’t see myself anymore. I wore a jacket all the time so people would not see how ugly I WAS becoming,” Paolo said.

He was also making every possible effort to act and look normal at work, even if it was close to impossible.

“In the office, I was always blank and not functioning normally. Some of my officemates even started teasing me when they noticed the red patches on my skin. I felt really down, I almost felt suicidal,” he said.

Though his friends communicated with him everyday to check his condition, for Paolo, it was not enough.

“Even if I have friends who were there for me, the feeling was so impalpable. It was unexplainable. No one can really gauge what PLHIVs feel except themselves. At the end of the day, after you separate with the people who listen to you, the depressions would start to kick in. And every time I’m alone in my room, that’s when the tears start to fall – not because I have HIV, but the struggle I experience everyday in dealing with this,” Paolo shared.

He also joined different organizations that cater to the needs and welfare of PLHIV, but that didn’t help him either.

“Those support groups, yes, they’re doing a superb job, no doubt about that. But in reality, it’s not them who can and will help you because they don’t really know what you’re feeling, HIV is really a personal thing. Support groups… I have been involved with three of them, and they have not really offered enough support particularly when you’re experiencing a chronic type of depression. Sometimes, crying all by yourself while you’re drunk is better than repeating your story over and over again to a group of people,” Paolo ended.

*EXACT PATIENT CODE WAS REMOVED AS REQUESTED BY THE INTERVIEWEE TO PROTECT HIS PRIVACY

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(Outrage Magazine remains the only publication for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community in the Philippines.)

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