Suspension of Disbelief

Posts Tagged ‘O Bar Ortigas

Having HIV as an ongoing personal battle

leave a comment »

Outrage Magazine | 21 July 2015



This is part of “More than a Number”, which Outrage Magazine launched on March 1, 2013 to give a human face to those infected and affected by the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) and Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS) in the Philippines, what it considers as “an attempt to tell the stories of those whose lives have been touched by HIV and AIDS”. More information about (or – for that matter – to be included in) “More than a Number”, email, or call (+63) 9287854244 and (+63) 9157972229.


When Paolo – who was diagnosed to be HIV positive in 2007 – started taking antiretroviral (ARV) medicines, his life changed permanently. But even with the life-saving ARVs, he continues to have doubts if his status is, as many continue to believe, a punishment for his bad deeds, or maybe even a death sentence. After all, there was a point in his life when – knowing how difficult having HIV could be, he still irresponsibly knowingly engage in risky practices that may have infected his partners (i.e. spreading “the gift”). Not surprisingly, Paolo still experiences chronic depression.

Only last month, he faced another battle. His attending physician conveyed her concern toward his declining CD4 count. Because of this, Paolo may have to be shifted to the second line of ARVs.

“It was late last year when my doctor at San Lazaro Hospital told me that I should watch out for my declining CD4 count. She said that it might be a sign of too much stress or a problem with my ARV combination,” Paolo said.

When he went to the hospital last April to get his ARV supply, he was only given meds for one month (versus the usual 3 1/2 months’ supplies). It was also then when he was told that they have to wait for his latest CD4 count before they can give him more supplies.

The following month, Paolo had his CD4 count tested. True to form, yet still shocking Paolo, the decline continued. “My CD4 count was in a downward trend: 388 in May 2015, 426 in November 2014, 454 in May 2014, 470 in November 2013, and 533 in May 2013.”

Paolo’s CD4 count was 582 in December 2008, when he had his baseline tests; with the number immediately falling to 327 in June 2011.

There have been fluctuations (e.g. from 327 in June 2011 to 368 in March 2012), but Paolo’s attending physician said that ever since the last increase, “the numbers continued to go down, and it may be a sign of drug resistance or treatment failure.”

He was immediately asked to have a viral load test to check the number of HIV copies in his blood. His doctor also gave him a heads up on what he should expect if the result was high.

“The test costs P6,000. Even if I’m an old PhilHealth member and I’m able to avail free CD4 count tests and ARV medications, under the OHAT package, I was still asked to pay that amount. When this happens to you, complaining is the last thing on your mind. For me, I just want to know the result,” Paolo said.

He was told to return after three weeks for the result.

“It was probably the longest three weeks of my life. A lot things started running in my head: What if it’s high, would I be able to take the side effects of the level 2 medications? What if it’s low and my CD4 count continues to decline, what will happen to me?” Paolo asked. “During that three weeks, I had sleepless nights. I couldn’t even disclose it to the 16-year-old guy I was seeing. I was really afraid. I had no one to run to. I don’t want to die yet.”

Paolo was also reluctant to reach out to support groups.

“It’s not them who can and will help you because they don’t really know what you’re feeling, HIV is a personal thing. Support groups are not really supportive enough. Yes, you will have someone to talk to, but at the end of the day, it’s not them, not your friends, not even your family, who can help you get over what you’re feeling. Just yourself,” Paolo said.

But Paolo’s life did not stop while he waited for the test ascertaining his viral load.

“I started to see things from a different perspective. I’m able to appreciate and value even the smallest and simplest things. I know that it may be temporary because of the situation I was in, but it gave me a reason to smile and be thankful,” Paolo said.

He told Red, a friend his who is also HIV-positive, about his situation. Paolo reconciled with him after a long time.

“I know I was going to explode if I didn’t tell anyone about my situation. I felt a bit relieved after I told him what I was going through,” he said.

After then, both at work and at home, Paolo became more relaxed. He also started joining different LGBT- and HIV-related events. He even participated in the 21st Metro Manila Pride March last June, where he marched for the first time.

Paolo wanted to much to be optimistic. “There are so many better things that one can do, regardless if you’re a PLHIV or not,” he said.

And then the third week came. Paolo went back to San Lazaro Hospital to get his test result.

“The anxiety of waiting for the folded and stapled paper to be handed to you was really exhausting. The lady who was assisting the clients in the laboratory was moving very slowly. And when she finally handed the paper to me, I was able to breathe normally,” he recalled.

His result indicated 84 copies/mL.

“I was told by my doctor to rest more often and that I should also lessen stressful activities,” Paolo said.

His ARV medications stayed the same, and he was already given three months’ worth of supplies.

His CD4 count will be checked again after six months. And his doctor, provided that he continues to improve his lifestyle, remains optimistic that everything will be okay.

“I know I’m not the perfect role model. But based on what I’ve gone through, being a PLHIV is one difficult challenge. It’s not as simple as some doctors or support groups say. No one can and will help you, but yourself,” Paolo said. “It’s not easy to accept your situation, but instead of being too negative, why not do something about it?”

Paolo recommends self-sufficiency in facing being HIV positive.

“You can always live your life to the fullest, just don’t forget to look out for yourself. It may sound selfish, but at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own welfare,” Paolo ended.




(Outrage Magazine remains the only publication for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community in the Philippines.)



Confessions of a former ‘gift’ giver…

leave a comment »

Outrage Magazine | 08 June 2015



This is part of “More than a Number”, which Outrage Magazine launched on March 1, 2013 to give a human face to those infected and affected by the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) and Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS) in the Philippines, what it considers as “an attempt to tell the stories of those whose lives have been touched by HIV and AIDS”. More information about (or – for that matter – to be included in) “More than a Number”, email, or call (+63) 9287854244 and (+63) 9157972229.


“I felt a sudden jolt after I came/orgasmed inside the person that I was having sex with bareback,” Paolo said. He didn’t look particularly happy; he even had a blank stare.

But he was open about sharing his sexual experiences with me.

Particularly that part in his life, when he used to be a “participant of a small group of HIV-positive straight-acting gays who frequent different places in the metro and engage in different sexual activities.”

Paolo, by the way, was diagnosed with HIV in 2007. After he registered and submitted his medical documents in San Lazaro Hospital, he didn’t go back until early 2011.


“Maybe I’m the type who doesn’t dwell much on problems. I was aware that I will be battling a lifelong endeavor (being HIV-positive), but I didn’t want to think about it to the point that my life would be hindered,” he said.

When his boyfriend at the time broke up with him, right after he regained his strength from the ARV trial period he had to endure, he lived each day as if it was his last.

“I revealed my condition to some friends and they have been very supportive,” Paolo said. His friends were so supportive, in fact, that “we were going out almost every night.”

It was during one of those night outs that he met Red*.

Red is also HIV-positive; he was diagnosed a year later than Paolo. They became fast friends after their first meeting. “There was nothing sexual nor intimate between us. We were just really good friends,” said Paolo, who found solace in the company of Red.

Partying for Paolo meant frequenting the likes of gay bars, including Bed Bar and O Bar. “I was living my life to the fullest; like I’m HIV-free,” Paolo said.

Bar-hopping – according to Paolo – also happened in the likes of Fahrenheit, Palawan, Blue Fairies, and others.

Though Paolo admitted that he was a regular in those establishments, for a while, he went there solely to party.  Picking up was not in his mind, as he was “still afraid and very cautious to have sex with another person. I was only doing oral sex that time.”

Soon, though, everything changed.


As shared by Paolo, during one of their “crazy nights” in a bar in Quezon City, “Red and I met a group of good looking and gym-toned straight-acting gays. We had drinks at (this) bar. And after an hour of laughter, we left the club and went to (a bar) in Ortigas,” Paolo recalled.

The night went by like their “regular night outs”. They watched the performances, ordered several bottles of beer, and flirted with different people.

Little did Paolo know that he actually signed up for a different type of fun that night.

“I think it was around 3:00 AM and we were all very tipsy, when one of our newfound friends, Marvin*, started kissing someone he just met on the dance floor,” Paolo narrated. “And then he pulled me closer to them and started rubbing my crotch.”

Tara, sama ka sa amin (Come join us),” Paolo remembered Marvin saying with a smile.

The three of them left that bar and went to Marvin’s apartment.

“While I was getting head from the guy we picked up from the bar, Marvin positioned himself behind him. He started penetrating him without a condom,” Paolo recounted. “After several minutes, he held the bottom guy closer to him, holding his waist tightly, and shot his load.”

After their encounter, the guy they picked up just got dressed and then immediately left. And while Paolo was fixing himself, Marvin asked if he wanted to grab an early breakfast. He agreed.

Their conversation while eating turned from recounting what happened at Marvin’s apartment to being confrontational.

“’I saw what you took when we were at O Bar, and it wasn’t a party pill!’, Marvin told me. I was silent at first, and then he continued: “It’s okay, don’t worry, pareho lang tayo (we’re the same),” Paolo said.


From then on, Paolo and Marvin’s group became this close-knit circle that frequented the bars, flirting and picking up random people, and inviting them to go with them for sex.

“It became my routine. I went to those places three to four times a week to meet different people. And I always performed unprotected sex with them. At that time, I thought I was satisfying my ego, that I had the upper hand and in control,” Paolo said, shaking his head.

He also thought “I was sharing the ‘gift’.”

It reached a point where he no longer joined Marvin’s group and just went out to party and pick up on his own.

“Last year was really the height of my inappropriate routine. As people flocked O Bar, for instance, my choices widened. Every time I went there, I always made it a point that I will be bringing someone home. It became very addicting,” he admitted.

And there were times that “after finishing someone, I would go back to bars to pick up someone again.”

Red*, who ended up knowing about Paolo’s “addiction”, tried talking him out of it.  Paolo just “refused to respond to his calls and text messages.”


Last March, according to Paolo, when he went to a bar in Ortigas, “I met this really cute guy. He was about the same height as I am, and he had a really good built,” Paolo said.

They shared drinks together and danced to several songs. And like usual, he invited this guy back to his place.

Paolo had unprotected sex with him. But unlike most of the his one-night encounters, this new guy chose to spend the night at his place.

“We had sex three times that night – at all times, I came inside him. The following day, he gave me a call saying that he wanted to have lunch with me,” Paolo recalled.

They met and had lunch together. It was also then that he found out that this new guy really likes him.

“He also confessed to me that he was only 16 years old,” Paolo added.

Paolo paused and lit another cigarette. Suddenly, his phone rang; he excused himself.

He returned, looking apologetic.  “Sorry about that. It was the 16-year-old guy I was telling you about,” he said.  He lit another cigarette.

And then sitting across me again, he continued: “We started dating after that unfortunate night. I really like him. But at the same time I feel guilty. He is still young and I (may have given) him the disease. I was awakened. I wanted to die after learning that he was only 16 years old. I felt really sorry for myself… that I had to do those things.”

Paolo was misty-eyed while talking; he even rubbed his eye, looking more like wiping his tears. He cleared his throat, and then continued smoking, finishing his cigarette.

“I know that I’m a bad person because I did all those things and it took me a long time to realize that,” Paolo said. “If I could only turn back time, I would not have done all those things.”

He also added that if he would be given a chance, he would talk to all the people that he had unprotected sex with and ask for their forgiveness.

“Some people living with HIV do really go around to spread the ‘gift’,” Paolo said. There are those who “are out there victimizing HIV-negative members of the community.”

Being more aware, Paolo also believes in one’s responsibility over oneself – helped, obviously, with further education that empowers people to protect themselves.  “Even if you’re having a fun time, never let your guard down. You should never completely trust anyone when it comes to sex, especially when you are at your most gullible and vulnerable self,” Paolo ended.




(Outrage Magazine remains the only publication for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community in the Philippines.)


%d bloggers like this: